You know, he's right about God literally being love. Literally love. God doesn't have a gender. God isn't. For those of you who don't know this, I've been to death and back several times, in a coma/vegetative state once, clinically dead at least twice. All of my life I'd been seeking the "Why?"
I'm not somebody to believe something without reason, but the coma left me with an understanding that will never leave me... I ended up at this white place. I won't call it heaven. I won't call it Nirvana. I won't call it anything, I didn't even see it, and as weird as this sounds, I wasn't even me anymore. Prior to that, I guess whenever I first went unconscious, time got completely distorted, like what happens in a dream, and the time I spent dying must have been over a thousand years, and not just in my body.
Weird, right?
I lived several lives and died several deaths, feeling the pain of each. Eventually there was no way to maintain any sense of identity whatsoever... For how many times I had died, I didn't think any life was any different from another. They were all my life... They were all me. Then it stopped.
It was almost like a clarity, except for me, there was never deception that I could remember. I knew nothing about the life I'm living now, I knew nothing about the past, everything literally blurred together, and I guess it could be likened to how they say black is the absence of light, none of the colors, while white was all of them combined. There was no black that I knew. Even conscious thought was gone. In retrospect, I guess as I came back, I started putting words to concepts, but at the time there were no words I knew. Can you imagine thought without words?
Still, there was a feeling of complete peace, euphoria, no fear whatsoever, nothing to piece together anymore, and though I was technically alone, I was as complete and as whole as could ever be possible. I was the truth, but I wasn't me as I am now. I was everybody and everything. The words I attach to what happened next will be something like freewill, overflowing love, hope, faith, because what I did was let everything expand again... not because I was lonely, but because I wanted truth to be shared, and found again, and known. I knew whatever happened wouldn't change truth, that it was the final destination for all, that nobody and nothing was to blame for what could potentially happen as a consequence for freedom but myself, and though allowing difference, allowing perception, allowing potential to deviate (free will), would inevitably have the consequence of disillusionment, the truth would never change, and there would always be a return. By permitting free will, not knowing what would happen in doing so, but allowing potential to manifest, the byproduct was pain, while the intention was pure. The feeling of understanding the white, of understanding the nature of what I now call love, and allowing free-will, was meant to be shared, and rediscovered inevitably, for everyone.
After I willed for it to be, I started spinning through several perspectives, like I had with the perspectives of the dying, not wondering who I was; no destination in mind, still no thoughts, just love, and the spinning started to slow, much like a roulette. I think the disintegration/blurring together must have been like the reversal of the big bang, the white being that critical point (timeless) before it expanded again, and the return to difference being like the expansion after the critical point. I think the white was potential to become anything, without a limit in place, choosing to allow a limit to be placed with no understanding of what the limit being placed would be; with no worry... because everything resolves itself inevitably.
I saw many scenes as I was returning... but I understood nothing of them... I just watched; from a 3rd person perspective... and I think states of consciousness are connected... from what I can vaguely remember of the specifics, there were scenes of other people unconscious, usually surrounded by other people, but it eventually stopped, landing at the destination where my current body was. A hospital room. I had no understanding of what I was looking at, but I was curious... and I was sucked into my body, perspective changing, but still without any sense of identity; it was like complete bottom-up processing, no patterns understood... I heard my mom say "stay with me" and I felt myself starting to slip back again to the cycling, but I guess the doctors kept me there somehow... or maybe I wanted to see what the result was. I can't say. The only thing in tact was the concepts from my experience. But I woke up (it wasn't pretty), and started to stabilize, not knowing what was going on, who I was, or who the people were, where I was, or what my situation entailed, not knowing the nature of difference...
I started to make rapid connections after the doctor suggested to my parents they start asking me simple yes or no questions, because I still wasn't really responsive. I had no memory of language, or understanding of it, after all. But as my parents started asking me questions, everything rapidly started coming back to me... eventually started nodding or shaking my head to things, then answering yes or no as I regained my ability to respond (even though I was often wrong about the simple questions they asked me LOL)... then they started asking me more difficult questions, like what colors things were. My mom or dad asked me what the color of our truck was, and I said "red" and I think they laughed at me, because our truck is black, but the doctor told them it was good, it meant I was regaining my memories quickly. And the process of regaining seemed to increase as time passed exponentially. They started me asking things I really couldn't answer, though... like if I knew how I ended up like that. I couldn't really tell them. All I remember is I was upstairs playing guitar hero, decided to have some strawberry shortcake, because I was starting to feel kind of weird, turned the game off, went downstairs, tried to grab a plate and I couldn't grab it properly, so after a few minutes of trying, and feeling even more and more weird, I had this sort of "fuck that" mentality and returned to my room. The weird thing is, just earlier in the day I had a conversation with my friend what she thought would happen if I died, and you know, I started to realize at that point that something was seriously wrong... after I sat down on my bed, I couldn't walk, however... and I couldn't talk. I basically had very limited fine motor skills, like when you're super wasted, and my body started to like... move in a circle as I was sitting up, like swaying, except the circle got wider and wider, I fell back onto my bed, and blank. I think that's when it must have began.
Apparently my dad found me when he came into my room because I left the light on, or to put the cats away, and I was facedown on my pillow, and he turned me over, and my eyes were rolled into the back of my head like my mom when she has a grand mal seizure... So they called 911... I wonder how long I was out prior to that. I was told my blood pressure so low, if they didn't keep pumping me with adrenaline, I would have just been gone... and I wasn't anywhere near stabilizing. So I got to the hospital (which is at least half an hour away) and none of them had any idea what was going on, but assumed something very bad was happening on a neurological level... I was told they did a CT scan, and they found nothing. I was kind of explained what they observed, but they had no idea why I ended up in that state... They gave me an EEG, which they did to see if I had a seizure, and the results came back indicating it wasn't a seizure... They were at a complete loss. They did a complete blood pannel, found absolutely nothing. I was interviewed by a team of scientists/psychologists, too... They said they'd be following my case and that I was a medical mystery. My mom also was near me after I woke up. As soon as I remembered, I asked if she had brought my phone LOL
I wanted to communicate with my friends, because really, at that point I had no idea what was going to happen to me, because I had no idea what caused it in the first place. Because of my mom constantly asking me questions, me being the introvert I was told her I wanted to be alone, and to leave me by myself. XD But I had to stay there for like a week or something, hooked up to heart monitors and IVs, and unfortunately, a catheter. I wasn't allowed to leave my bed for anything ._. When I first got there, I was on the red level of the hospital... the level for people who are in critical condition and on the verge of death. At the end of it, I think I was in a hospital room. I was so grateful my parents brought my computer. But also, after I first got my language and memory back, I told my mom about my experience... and she didn't really seem to care.
All-in-all, crazy experience. They never figured out what happened... but I came back with a truth greater than I could ever fully remember every detail to, because of the limits of perception. In any case, everything about this world makes sense... Like why it's here, why there are mistakes, why there is hatred, why there is perception, why people act as they do, why people are connected, why people have similar near death experiences (if you don't completely lose your sense of identity, you form a projection in the beginning of death), and best of all, that no matter what happens here, nothing will every change the ultimate truth. Immortality, when considered in that respect, is not a bad thing at all... and you'll all see it... Even though it hasn't happened yet, the will is now actualized. Always was, always is, always will be. I'm excited for you guys... So excited. Meanwhile, my ego here, though originally being an idealist thinking things had to be done, doesn't feel a need to make changes to the world, though it pains me to see people in discomfort, because the truth never really leaves me. I came back with two separate selves... the self I had supposedly before I died, and the self that was always remembering the truth. Not to say I have split personality, either... I can kind of channel it sometimes, but it's a conditioned skill.
Regardless, this is why I know God's (love's) will isn't for people to suffer, and I know that all of the pain we experience just a side-effect of true love. Love doesn't hold potential captive... It sets it free. It permits. And so here we are ^_^ You never die... only lies do. So I know where that guy went... I know where everybody who suffers goes, I know there's no true evil. I don't know why I ended up in my body, a place where I could retain my experience, or if I existed prior to it... but it doesn't matter anymore. There are no true questions in my mind.
Existence is awesome, all things considered. Love = God = Truth. Truth is truth, regardless of belief. :D
